5 Essential Life Hacks for New Parents

The list of things new parents are unprepared for is pretty much infinite. If you are expecting, congratulations! But please believe all of the people telling you that you are woefully ignorant and in for a world of uncertainty. 

To help get yourselves ready for having an infant in the home, here's a genius list of stuff that every new parent should know. 
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​Do Not Buy More than 2 Outfits A Month

You will want to. You will feel the burning desire to buy every single cute outfit you see. The compulsion will overwhelm you many, many times. And rightly so - buying baby clothes is all part of the fun.

But one thing we learned - there are MOUNTAINS of used baby clothes out there. Heaps and piles and pounds and kilos of good, used baby clothes. It's completely goddamn insane! Perfectly good outfits that have maybe been used a few times - like, zero wear and tear, practically new.

​We were even given some things that had never been worn at all! So many clothes floating around that you can't even use them all before your baby outgrows them. And people can't wait to get rid of them! I swear there are giant bags of baby clothes just being traded back and forth from new family to newer family, all across the country and all across the globe. People lie in wait, just hoping some friend or family member will get pregnant so they can pawn their used clothes off on them.

I really don't think anyone on the planet should have to buy a new baby outfit again for at least ten years. The tragic amount of wasted clothes is staggering. Now, sure, there will be a few outfits so staggering ugly and comically hideous that will you have no choice but to trade or discard - but for the most part everything is nice and cute. So really try and avoid purchasing new outfits as much as possible. You don't need them. Use the money saved to buy more of the items on this list. Which you really do need.
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The first gifting of used baby clothes we received from friends.

Invest in a Bouncy Yoga Ball

This is the very first thing you should run out and buy the second you find out you are pregnant. No foolin'. This one item will become essential to maintaining your sanity, your relationship, your baby's well being and your neighbour's non-murderous good will.

I am still routinely astounded by the usefulness of these blessed rubber orbs. I just had no idea of their power - we found out by accident! Fortunately we already owned one, and in a pique of desperation turned to bouncing our daughter on the ball one evening during a nasty colic attack. The bouncing worked wonders and became our go-to technique for inducing sleep. A bounce and a song worked every time!

If we were to buy another bouncy ball, we'd probably buy one that has the two little legs for stabilization, because we have most likely invested whole hours into chasing and righting the damn thing. Grandparents will also thank you - it took my mom a long time to work up the courage to sit down on the rolly spill-monger. Fortunately, once you have the feel for it, there is no better method for calming your kid into submission. In the beginning, these things are like heavenly gifts from Zeus, thrown down to us from Olympus. 

Of course, as with most mythological God-gifts, every miracle comes with a price. In this instance, the price is horrible, unshakable ball addiction. Eventually, one day, you will need to ween your kid off of this damn miracle. So word to the wise - don't become too reliant on the magical, life-saving wonders of these air-filled godsends. Use the power sparingly!

Until that day, though, steel yourself for a living hell of bouncing yourself silly until you strain all of your back muscles, give yourself permanent nerve damage from the waist down and go totally insane. 

You will never have this much fun on a ball.

​Re-Learn Some Children's Songs and Practice Your Performance

​Endlessly bouncing on a rubber ball is bad enough so you don't want to add any further complications to this endeavour. That's why I advise you to start re-learning all of your favourite kids songs now, so you're not three lines into a song and have to stop because you have no idea what comes next. 
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Surprisingly, you can still feel embarrassed even in front of a newborn.

​Many was the night that Old McDonald ended up having 36 ducks and nothing else on the farm but a truck because I was so tired and exhausted that I literally couldn't remember any other damn animals. And I know "Old McDonald" well! God help you on the tunes you only half-remember. 

​I say "re-learn" because obviously we all used to know most of these songs by heart. When we were four. As with almost all of your pre-baby assumptions, you will be completely wrong in believing that all of these kids songs will come back to you when you need to remember them. They don't. And you need them. A lot of them. The variety is crucial to your sanity. And have no doubt that even a three-month old has song preferences. I kid you not. 

Also, unless you have a great singing voice, get used to feeling like an idiot (actually, get used to feeling like an idiot pretty much until your kid leaves home). Unfortunately, you will need to get over any self-consciousness right quick and pronto. Sometimes overpowering the baby's screams with a loud and bold belting of "This Old Man" is all that will distract your child from a complete and total flip out. 

​Get Lots of Plastic/Glass Containers and Some Little Round Stickers

Once you have a new baby in the house, the war is officially on. Which war, you ask? The War on Clicks, Snaps, Clinks, Creaks and Crinkles. Basically any noise that is not your own subdued breathing. The smartest course of action is to get your new baby used to a noisier environment right from the start. Your every instinct will lead you to do otherwise at first. Hence the war. In trying to create a relaxing, virtually silent environment to facilitate baby's peaceful slumber, you will inadvertently be consigning yourself to a living nightmare of failed quietness.  

Unless you live in a big house with lots of rooms and/or good separation between spaces, you will most likely have to be very quiet whenever the baby is asleep. We kept our daughter in the living room with us a lot at first. 

This is a battle you cannot win. You will think you can. Your arrogance (and your ignorance) will know no bounds at first. You will try and open a bag of chips, or pretzels, or some bread or whatever, as quietly as you can, only to realize too late that this is an impossible challenge. The smallest crinkle is amplified 1000% in a baby-quiet environment. No matter what you touch or look at, you WILL make noise. The baby WILL wake. Your wife WILL be pissed and you will never hear the end of how you don't need to have snacks at night anyway!. The quieter you try to be, the louder you will f*ck up...and curse even louder. This is a law of the cosmos, apparently. So know this and accept this early! Learn from my failures and frustrations!

​What you should really do, a couple weeks out from the due date, is try to pretend the baby is already there. Turn off the TV and the stereo. Go through some practice runs of moving around the house as quiet as you can. Have your significant other position themselves in the next room and bet them 100 euros they won't be able to hear your activities. Go through the motions of doing ordinary stuff around the kitchen and living room. Try removing a bowl from the dish cupboard. I dare you. Try to wash your hands in the sink. I double dog dare you.

​Pay particular attention to squeaky floorboards and anything that opens with a "click" or closes with a "snap." Map out the places to avoid on the floor and mark them with stickers. Practice opening all doors and appliances - you really don't notice how noisy things are until your life (or 100 euros) is on the line. Pre-open all of your crinkley packages and place their contents into plastic or glass containers for easy, silent removal later. You think all of this is overkill? Come back and comment after you have your kid. 
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This person just woke up their kid.

​Get Some Bars for the Bathroom Window

​Something I have been recommending to new parents are security bars for their bathroom windows. This will certainly give you a sense of added protection for your family, which is of course a good thing, as nothing is more important than keeping your newborn child safe and secure from danger, threat and harm. But this is not the real reason I recommend installing them. 

After having a child, you’re going to notice that your partner regularly disappears for long stretches of time, leaving you to heroically care for your infant all alone. 

Wife: “She’s asleep finally, but I just need to go to the bathroom for a minute. Can you watch her?” 

Me: “Oh, sure, ok.” 

You take your child into your arms and begin praying she doesn’t wake up and/or start freaking out. She said it's only for a few minutes though, right? You can handle things alone for a few minutes, right? Right? As the minutes go by, however, you become more afraid and desperate. Panic will rise. Doubts will assail. You begin to become acutely aware of your lack of breasts, which are the only things capable of calming your child once she wakes up. Every little sound makes you look down at your kid in terror. You start to grow anxious as the baby shifts ever so slightly in your arms. You also begin to suspect that you’ve been tricked. 

Twenty minutes later you will be looking over your shoulder, cursing your wife under your breath as your baby begins to stir, wondering if she’s ever coming back. The kid will start to squirm and cry and finally scream like a hellion banshee suffering all the tortures and punishments of Hell. You cannot believe you’ve just been abandoned and lied to so brazenly.  You think: “It’s been almost a half hour! What is she doing in there?! She must be done by now!” 

You comfort yourself in the belief that she will - nay, must - be out soon. 

Then you will hear the shower turn on. 

This devious little scenario will play itself out over and over again, and even though you make your wife aware that you are on to her she will keep doing it. So then you start doing the same thing to her and suddenly your beautiful little bundle of joy has become a human hot potato. 

This is all totally normal, of course, and all part of not being driven totally insane. Hiding in the bathroom, staring at the wall in utter fatigue is all part of being a new parent. Your showers will double or triple in length, and "right now" is always the best time to cut your nails (for the third time this week) or reorganize your shelf of bathroom accessories (there’s always a better configuration). Once the bathroom door closes, nothing short of a disaster can drag you back out. 

There will be days, however, when you will find yourself again sitting in the bathroom like a zombie, only you won’t be staring at the wall - you will be staring at the window. You will imagine yourself opening that window and you will see yourself in your mind’s eye leaping through and running down the driveway out into the street, loping through the neighbourhood in search of the nearest bar or coffee shop. These are the bad days, and for these days I recommend you buy and install bars to place over the bathroom windows. Again, not to keep intruders out - but to keep you in.

This effective "new-parent" life-hack will keep you from acting on your sudden flight impulses. You wouldn't want to do something you will regret maybe five or six years down the road.